Collection of Dead Sea Scrolls exposed as FAKE in

Since I don’t have the opportunity to tell John my story for risk of being found out, I thought I may as well share it here. Again my fellow Ex-Mormon community, I love you guys and appreciate all of the support. So here it goes, this is my Mormon story about my life, mission, loss of faith and post mission life.
I grew up in a small town, working on a farm. I was super close to my brother who is two years older than me. I grew up in your typical Mormon family. Two boys, and two girls. My brother has been good to me and has loved me always no matter what. As I was growing up, I didn’t really care if the church was true or not, I just kind of went with the program. I didn’t really believe in anything but I always believed if anything was true, it was the church. It had such a convincing story, and the church did so much good (I grew up in a heavily Mormon community, so all the information I received was the whitewashed stuff and never opposing).
I didn’t ever voice my concerns about not really believing in anything because all I ever heard about atheists and agnostics was how they were terrible people who were selfish, and didn’t care about their families. I didn’t want to be considered that person for doubting there was even a god in the first place. The whole religion thing never really made much sense to me, but I always loved the community and ease of people I was around. So I struggled with belief a lot though I didn’t consider myself a “non-believer” simply because I love people and have always had a strong relationship with those around me. I just kept thinking I hadn’t “received a testimony” yet.
Fast forward to when I was 18. I graduated high-school and had a year before I was “supposed” to go on a mission. I left for college, took my first college biology class among other classes. It was there that I absolutely fell in love with the theory of evolution. It made so much sense and clicked so well. It showed promise, from wonderful things like epigenetics, to stem cell research. Everything based on the idea that we were truly learning where our bodies came from, what they are made of, and what capabilities they hold. It made sense, and I knew that it was the truth. In high school, my teacher kind of weakly taught evolution giving us a discloser saying “I don’t believe this but I have to teach it (again, I grew up in a heavily Mormon community). Does evolution have the full story? No, not yet, but our science is growing and changing, and it is exciting! I will come back to evolution in a minute because it is quite the hilarious story.
So fast forward again to almost a year later. My brother who I look up to has been on a mission for a while now and I miss him terribly. At this point I haven’t really been thinking much about going on a mission (maybe on and off), so I start to consider it more. My parents are the type that though they are TBM, they don’t force the issues or beliefs on any of us. That is something that I will always be truly grateful for. So I decided what they heck, I’m going to go. To me I didn’t think of myself as not “having a testimony” at this time, I just think I am inexperienced in the ways of life and the world and that I need to strengthen the “spiritual” experiences I know I have had. I decided to put in my call and in a short I was accepted to a wonderful and exotic place. I was so excited to go to this part of the world, and to learn to love the people and the culture.
Now the story gets to my mission. I initially felt lost but happy to be around really awesome people who were all my age and I loved it. I survived the MTC and was assigned in the field with my first companion (who grew up in the bible belt). One day I picked up an old testament student manual (Bad missionary, I know. I had already read the book of Mormon prior to my mission and preach my gospel and was already bored with them) and began reading it enthusiastically. Now mind you I believed the theory of evolution at this point (I didn’t see the conflict, naïve, I know) and was trying to work into my deeper beliefs in the church. I felt like I had a testimony (good ol’ MTC indoctrination) and was really getting the feel of the mission field. When reading this manual, I stumbled on the gem from Joseph Fielding Smith about the story of Adam and Eve, and evolution, and believing the one or the other. It really bugged me. Come to find out a lot of Mormons don’t believe in evolution! I really was that sheltered. I heard a lot of things going through Sunday School and evolution never was really talked about. That or I just wasn’t ever paying attention in Sunday school which also is a strong possibility. When few of my Mormon friends dismissed it growing up I didn’t pay it much thought. To me it was just their opinion and not a people as a whole. Come to find out it is pretty much almost most TBMs.
Concerned about this new finding I decided to talk to my companion about this disturbing information. He is a great guy but obviously this lead to a heated discussion. At one point he told me that his dad told him that dinosaurs were something god gave us just to look at and wonder about his power. I cringe at the words still today. Well one thing leads to another and during the next mission president interview I am asked about this and questioned about my testimony as it currently was. Well I have always had a natural distrust for priesthood leadership. Call me a blinded skeptic but I have always questioned the power of discernment and all of that fun stuff that I now know realize simply isn’t true. I just tell him that I prayerfully worked it out and he said good. That was all the more that was said about it. I put that on my already weak and in construction shelf to bear the weight of it.
I make it to about the 20-month mark. I had served in the most exotic areas of my mission up to this point and it was fun. Sometimes I really wonder if there was anything out there, but I was far too happy to be skeptical… Until one day, a man who seems to be having a faith crisis of his own gives me a book. I was training at the time so I told my companion that I was going to read the book and show the man where he was wrong so he can have faith again. The kid looked up to me because he knows I know the scriptures really well and that I read a lot (which is probably most every kid that gets trained in the mission field and their feelings towards their first companion). So I read the book, and it lays out a compelling argument against Christianity as a whole; from the crusades to the scrolls of Qumran. All my doubts that I have forced away for nearly two years come rushing back in.
My companion asked me how the book was and I told him I found many faults in it (maybe it was a little bias at times but I really lied to this kid about it). He believes me and takes it as a faith strengthening experience. I guess I have a good poker face because he never questioned it. That or he just learned to believe and not ask questions. Anyway, I couldn’t seem to ever get a hold of this guy again to give him his book back. If that guy knew what that book did for me, he might be happy he helped someone out but it did cause difficulties at first. Realizing how hard mission is and how I really am back to my doubts again, I wanted to leave and never look back. I realized though that I am almost there and I want to fight my demons (my demons being the social pressures and embarrassment of returning home early). I stayed and tried to still believe somehow by force. The last few months, I served in the office with the most difficult to work with AP you have ever met. I hated every minute of that last 3 months and the amount of belief I had to fake. I thrived on normal moments and normal human connection. It was quite sad and remembering it makes my stomach turn. It was a horribly depressive time in my life.
I finished and was able to make it home “honorably.” Then came the depression and the feelings of being lost. All I did was run and work and go to school. I reconnected with my brother and told him how much I doubted everything. He loves me anyway and never said a word to the rest of the family about it. In this time, I got a job working nights. At this job I had a lot of time to read, so I pick up Hitchens, Dawkins, and I even read the Origin of Species (it is way hard to get through but has a lot of gems in it). It was during this time that I strengthened my testimony in evolution and science. I found peace and realized that I don’t have to have all the answers to be happy. I can just be happy. I wasn’t offended by the church; I just didn’t find peace in it. I eventually moved to a major city to continue my education and that put me in a much better place. I was learning and growing as a person and everything was exciting. I stopped paying tithing and went to church occasionally simply because I liked the singles ward that I was supposed to attend. No one ever pushed me into anything and it was a very good experience.
It was there that I met my now wife. I have explained this story elsewhere but to summarize we met, became friends dated and married. She knew about my unbelief and accepted me for who I was. It wasn’t until after a while into our marriage that she started receiving pressure from her parents and siblings about temple marriage and eternal happiness that our marriage started to go from a small storm to a full on hurricane. Due to the pressure I started doing research on the church, read church history, the CES letter, the essays. I found out about the STCM and also about the November policy. So the organization that I thought was nice and ok but just couldn’t believe in went to corrupt really fast in my mind. I never cared that much to really dig into it until my wife started to try to force it on me along with her family. So I dug in my heels to stand for something. I also tried to argue with my wife about it, which unfortunately caused her to do the same. She went back to being very active and was upset with my practices (I drink coffee). Now I am “not allowed” to speak about the church because I can’t speak on track with an approving message. It is hard, and day to day is a struggle. I know better now and I just love my wife and don’t fight. I constantly have to swallow my pride, and reassure my wife that I love her so much because I really do.
I don’t hate anyone in the church but I cannot stand by the church knowing that it can be and is harmful to others. I have always wanted to be a peaceful and cordial person and try to help people in any way I can. I now see the world a lot differently and I am glad that things don’t have to make sense all the time. I work in healthcare and I see people from all walks of life and backgrounds. I deal with death constantly and it’s crazy what you see and hear. I have seen people deal with death well and also harshly. From an atheist man saying that he won’t be around for the next holidays and telling me to enjoy it with my family to hearing my Mormon coworker saying how the gospel is the only thing that helps people deal with death. This statement was made on the day where I watched a Mormon family pray and beg and plead for the life of their father only to have him die two hours later to which they were devastated, as they should have been. It was heartbreaking to be a part of. I have also watched Christians, Mormons, and Buddhists deal with death exceptionally well. Religions and labels mean nothing to me. It is the people I care for, and people alone that mean everything to me and I take them as they are and for who they are.
I just want my story to resonate with a message of peace and love. To all those who are returning or current missionaries who lose faith, fall into depression and feel alone. Just know that you are not alone and that there are people who will be there for you. This community is here for you just as much as it has been for me. There may also be people who you would never expect to but do completely understand. Things will get better, just don’t give up hope. Things don’t have to make sense right now or ever. Please just cling to people that love you and who are there for you, not ideals or beliefs that give no substance but are only words. Carve your way in this world with those you love, and just know, life is meaningful and will always be what you make of it. Live for others you love and who love you back and you will always live for yourself. Best of luck to you all, and thank you for your support. I am here for you all as you have been for me. Best of luck and best wishes!
AaronFire